My little Pervert

Have you ever known someone that you feel just grossed out and annoyed with, but you don't do anything about it because you are not quite sure if doing anything would even improve the situation?

I DO!

I have my very own Perry the Perv* (*name has been changed to protect the identity of the annoying).

He finds me everyday to tell me a joke in a Rodney Dangerfield voice... or make some god awful reference to a wildly inappropriate thing he finds hilarious. Now anyone who knows me, knows I have incredibly thick skin, a tolerance for the perverted, and nothing really makes me get indignant. But THIS GUY. It's something in his demeanor I think. he just skeeves me out!

He brings me chocolate (that he steals from a secretary) everyday, leaves it on my door handle even if I am not there, and if I say no thanks, he leaves it in the basket on my desk anyway and then proceeds to talk about one, if not all of the following things:
1. Boobs
2. Penises
3. Kristin Chenoweth
4. His stage fright (even though he walks around Loyola singing at the TOP of his lungs)
5. Insinuates something about he and I hooking up (gguuuhhh, aaaack, ew, ugh no. just no.)
6. Wine
7. His fat sister
8. Miscellaneous skin crawling statements

I don't know why the weird pick me out to befriend, or tell things to. I just don't. I have asked people about this, and Davonna says its because I am not mean enough. I am thinking about becoming mean, I really am. He tells AWFUL jokes that I see coming a mile off if they are not completely inappropriate. This guy has GOT to stop.

Let me relive a few convos for you:

1. Perry came into my office and asked, "Peppermint Pattie or a Cup?" Being the Peanut Butter Cup lover that I am I respond, "Cup, thanks." ...to which I opened the door wide open for this gem (said in a Rodney Dangerfield voice),

"This one is small, usually I like my cups bigger, awhawhawhaw! I said to my students: when it comes to being ahead of the curve in my class 2 D's equal an A." All while making gestures with his hands to make sure I got that he was talking about boobs.

My Response? " GET OUT." He laughed and continued to talk. "No, really get out Perry, you are so gross." Well he did not get it and started to prattle on about something, so I just started IM-ing people and eventually he left.

2. Earlier this week I was talking to someone else, and LUCKILY he has squeaky shoes right now, so I can hear him coming, I stopped mid-sentence and said, "Shit Perry is coming!" and ran out of her office to hide behind our refrigerator in the break room, AND HE FOUND ME! So I had to play it off like I was looking for something, not hiding from him, because another person who works for the university says, "He is harmless and you are just being mean!" Whenever she catches wind of the fact that I may one day flip my shit on him or do not want to talk to him EVER. Anyway he followed me around the department and told me a joke about poop. yaaaay.

3. "Hey, so this morning I woke up and picked up my coffee pot and the handle fell off. Then I went to open my door and the handle fell off in my hand, I am terrified to go to the bathroom. Mmmmhhmmmhawahawhawhaw!"


4. P: What do I hear playing on your computer?
Holly: Oh I have Michael Jackson's memorial playing, that's Jennifer Hudson
P: Death looks good on Michael Jackson: child molester in life, hero in death.
H: Ha. Ok.
P: You know what though? If I had 10 or 12 kids I would definitely pimp one out to a priest.
H: *jaw drops and I stare at him*
P: Make sure he is a reliable witness on the stand and get 2 or 3 million bucks out of the deal. Mmmhmmhahahahawhawhaw!
H: *Still staring at him with mouth open*
P: What? The rest of the kids would have a good life, ya know get the wife some plastic surgery. You know she is going to need after that many kids... everywhere. Mhmhmhawhawhaw!
H: PERRY! That's so... just so... WRONG! Oh my god! Get out you, have officially grossed me out to no end... oh my god!
P: Mhmhmhawhawhaw
H: Seriously get out!

5. So I was talking to my fat sister...

6. P: So you follow politics right?
H: yep.
P: You know they talk about the right to bare arms, I think an even greater one is the right to bare breasts.
H: Really? REALLY?! *big sigh and I point to the door"

7. P: Hey nice top today
H: Thanks Perry!
P: Your shirt is not too bad either...mmhmhmhawhawhaw! *winks and runs away before I can verbally assault him*

8. You know why I like Kristin Chenoweth? She has a great voice, she is so cute and she is so short. You know? Just THE perfect height, mhmhmhmhawhawhaw!

Conversations we have had about him:
12:45 PM Davonna: oooh perry is doing his vocalizations

12:46 PM me: oh jesus, lol

(this was heard because Davonna had her office window open... yes he walks around campus just singing opera)

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me: I literally told him to walk away

I was like Perry just walk away

10:32 AM and he goes I am sorry I must have misunderstood you i thought you just said to walk away

and i said oh I did

and he pretended like he couldn't understand me

Davonna: wow.

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Davonna: ah.. perry is at it again

like, SCREAMING at the top of his lungs (walking by our building outside)

me: lol

hahahaha

4:55 PM shutting my door for a sec then...

____________________________________________________________________

Davonna: perry is singing

I have my window closed

and I can hear him CLEARLY

me: wow

not surprised

but ya know

wow

AND heres the funniest thing ever

he has stage fright

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I should do something about this, but the man is kind of pathetic. I will flip out on him one day and hurt his sensitive, nasty, little soul, but until then I am sure I will rack up the stories... SIGH.

What is Brewing in Oolong?

Derek had just gotten home from school. He kicked off his shoes and headed upstairs to get his gear together for another glorious weekend in the mountains.

"Derek sweetie!" His mother called from her bedroom.
"Hi Mom, I will be in, in a minute. Just throwing a few things in my bag." he answered.
"Oh honey I was just going to tell you that the nurse won't be here until 4:00, she is the new one. Janie took a job at the hospital."
"Who is it now? Haven't we gone through every girl in town?" He asked.
" Well it's a new girl from out of town, her name is Cammie. Seemed nice and had good references. Just answer the door when she gets here."
Derek walked over to his mother's room, a little annoyed that he would not get out of town for another hour. But, he gave a kiss on the head and adjusted her pillow.
"Do you need anything right now mom?"
" No sweetie, go get your gear together. Cammie will need to be shown the ropes when she gets here, so you may as well get all packed up. Oh! I almost forgot, will you check on the guest room? Janie said she would have it cleaned up and ready for Cammie."
"Wait, she is LIVING with us? Mom, you could have given me a heads up. Jeez, you don't even know this woman!"

His mother laughed and told him to calm down, she had family here at one point and it would be fine. "You are getting old, a little too young there Mr. Darjeeling! Where is your sense of adventure? Or do you leave that in the mountain range for the weekends? " She yelled after her son as he went to check the guest room. The room looked fine, so he headed up stairs to load up his gear.

An hour later the door bell rang. Derek let out a big sigh and ran down the stairs to let the strange woman, who would probably rob them blind because his mother hired without interviewing face-to-face, into his home. Derek opened the door, and much to his amazement, there stood a beautiful blond, albeit, mute woman. Derek just stared, she stared back.

"Oh, um, hi." He said realizing what an ass he must look like just gawking at her, " You must be Cammie, my ahem, my mother is waiting for you upstairs in her room. She um, she had me just check the guest room for you, and I uh... I can show you where that is and um everything else, you know, around here. haha." Jesus Derek, pull yourself together! He thought to himself. His hands were actually sweating, since when did his palms sweat? Who the HELL is this woman?!

Cammie, still said nothing, just nodded and nervously gripped her bag. She had to live with this guy? This gorgeous tan man? She was screwed. She did not come here to find romance, she came here to get away from emotions and boyfriends and all of that. Unfortunately, emotions and feelings of attraction were all she felt when she looked at Derek. This was no good, but she took the job, and she was strong woman, and hadn't his mother said he was gone during the day at work and on the weekends in the mountains? It would be fine. She had will power... somewhere in her, she was sure it would kick in. So, finally she muttered, " Ok, Thanks." And stepped into the house. But, as he took her bag, his hand brushed hers, immediately they locked eyes. Oh dear lord, WHAT have I gotten myself into? She thought.

Things were not going to plan for either of them.


(Ooooh romance is a BREWING)