I DO!
I have my very own Perry the Perv* (*name has been changed to protect the identity of the annoying).
He finds me everyday to tell me a joke in a Rodney Dangerfield voice... or make some god awful reference to a wildly inappropriate thing he finds hilarious. Now anyone who knows me, knows I have incredibly thick skin, a tolerance for the perverted, and nothing really makes me get indignant. But THIS GUY. It's something in his demeanor I think. he just skeeves me out!
He brings me chocolate (that he steals from a secretary) everyday, leaves it on my door handle even if I am not there, and if I say no thanks, he leaves it in the basket on my desk anyway and then proceeds to talk about one, if not all of the following things:
1. Boobs
2. Penises
3. Kristin Chenoweth
4. His stage fright (even though he walks around Loyola singing at the TOP of his lungs)
5. Insinuates something about he and I hooking up (gguuuhhh, aaaack, ew, ugh no. just no.)
6. Wine
7. His fat sister
8. Miscellaneous skin crawling statements
I don't know why the weird pick me out to befriend, or tell things to. I just don't. I have asked people about this, and Davonna says its because I am not mean enough. I am thinking about becoming mean, I really am. He tells AWFUL jokes that I see coming a mile off if they are not completely inappropriate. This guy has GOT to stop.
Let me relive a few convos for you:
1. Perry came into my office and asked, "Peppermint Pattie or a Cup?" Being the Peanut Butter Cup lover that I am I respond, "Cup, thanks." ...to which I opened the door wide open for this gem (said in a Rodney Dangerfield voice),
"This one is small, usually I like my cups bigger, awhawhawhaw! I said to my students: when it comes to being ahead of the curve in my class 2 D's equal an A." All while making gestures with his hands to make sure I got that he was talking about boobs.
My Response? " GET OUT." He laughed and continued to talk. "No, really get out Perry, you are so gross." Well he did not get it and started to prattle on about something, so I just started IM-ing people and eventually he left.
2. Earlier this week I was talking to someone else, and LUCKILY he has squeaky shoes right now, so I can hear him coming, I stopped mid-sentence and said, "Shit Perry is coming!" and ran out of her office to hide behind our refrigerator in the break room, AND HE FOUND ME! So I had to play it off like I was looking for something, not hiding from him, because another person who works for the university says, "He is harmless and you are just being mean!" Whenever she catches wind of the fact that I may one day flip my shit on him or do not want to talk to him EVER. Anyway he followed me around the department and told me a joke about poop. yaaaay.
3. "Hey, so this morning I woke up and picked up my coffee pot and the handle fell off. Then I went to open my door and the handle fell off in my hand, I am terrified to go to the bathroom. Mmmmhhmmmhawahawhawhaw!"
4. P: What do I hear playing on your computer?
Holly: Oh I have Michael Jackson's memorial playing, that's Jennifer Hudson
P: Death looks good on Michael Jackson: child molester in life, hero in death.
H: Ha. Ok.
P: You know what though? If I had 10 or 12 kids I would definitely pimp one out to a priest.
H: *jaw drops and I stare at him*
P: Make sure he is a reliable witness on the stand and get 2 or 3 million bucks out of the deal. Mmmhmmhahahahawhawhaw!
H: *Still staring at him with mouth open*
P: What? The rest of the kids would have a good life, ya know get the wife some plastic surgery. You know she is going to need after that many kids... everywhere. Mhmhmhawhawhaw!
H: PERRY! That's so... just so... WRONG! Oh my god! Get out you, have officially grossed me out to no end... oh my god!
P: Mhmhmhawhawhaw
H: Seriously get out!
5. So I was talking to my fat sister...
6. P: So you follow politics right?
H: yep.
P: You know they talk about the right to bare arms, I think an even greater one is the right to bare breasts.
H: Really? REALLY?! *big sigh and I point to the door"
7. P: Hey nice top today
H: Thanks Perry!
P: Your shirt is not too bad either...mmhmhmhawhawhaw! *winks and runs away before I can verbally assault him*
8. You know why I like Kristin Chenoweth? She has a great voice, she is so cute and she is so short. You know? Just THE perfect height, mhmhmhmhawhawhaw!
Conversations we have had about him:
12:45 PM Davonna: oooh perry is doing his vocalizations
12:46 PM me: oh jesus, lol
(this was heard because Davonna had her office window open... yes he walks around campus just singing opera)
___________________________________________________________________(this was heard because Davonna had her office window open... yes he walks around campus just singing opera)
me: I literally told him to walk away
I was like Perry just walk away
10:32 AM and he goes I am sorry I must have misunderstood you i thought you just said to walk away
and i said oh I did
and he pretended like he couldn't understand me
Davonna: wow.
____________________________________________________________________Davonna: ah.. perry is at it again
like, SCREAMING at the top of his lungs (walking by our building outside)
me: lol
hahahaha
4:55 PM shutting my door for a sec then...
____________________________________________________________________
Davonna: perry is singing____________________________________________________________________
I have my window closed
and I can hear him CLEARLY
me: wow
not surprised
but ya know
wow
AND heres the funniest thing ever
he has stage fright
____________________________________________________________________I should do something about this, but the man is kind of pathetic. I will flip out on him one day and hurt his sensitive, nasty, little soul, but until then I am sure I will rack up the stories... SIGH.
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