Decisions

Most of the time I avoid making decisions that cause anything to be set in stone for my life. I like to have the flexibility to travel or do something on a whim. When it comes to work or projects etc, sure I will make decisions, but as far as saying, "5 years from now I will be here and doing that"... I shudder. I never want to limit myself. I think my biggest fear is settling and becoming complacent. Or doing something I view as ordinary. So, I am always trying to go to new places, see old friends, and learn as much as I can.

I love my life. I have the best friends and family on this earth. Most people say that, but seriously, not many people are as lucky as I am, and I know this. I am so grateful for the people and support I have. But, I am terrified of losing my curiosity or being too afraid to try something new because I am content. So I think this is why I have trouble making huge commitments. I mean I get anxiety before I say I will be in a show, because I have then limited my nights that something random could happen- isn't that ridiculous??? I get anxiety before I say I will do something that ties me down for a certain amount of time if it has a set schedule. It is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous, because I never regret those decisions. Even when things end badly, I can't say I have regretted a commitment, and yet they still scare the crap out of me.

Right now I am trying to release this fear. I am doing my best to push it to the side. Last night I did something I never thought I would. And with the support of several great friends, I did something BIG and its a true commitment on many levels. And I could not be more excited about it. It is a step towards a balance I think I have been missing in my life.

A very wonderful and dear friend "E" knows this fear I am talking about. And she has always told me that she was positive that I would never settle, and I am beginning to believe her. E is moving away, and that is what spurred this decision making. E is one of those rare people you meet in your life that everyone gets along with. You know she genuinely cares about you, and you know you are getting E every second you are with her. She is unabashedly herself "one hundo" as she would say. She was my very first friend when I moved to Chicago. We were twin souls from the moment we met. We would go running and journal and stay up late talking. She has been there through everything! I am so lucky to have her, and while I am absolutely torn up about the fact that she will no longer be a quick run down Clark street away, I am so thrilled for her and completely inspired by the decision she has made to move and try a new job in a new city, and then go take on a another job before she moves abroad.

E, thank you for being the most outstanding friend a girl could ask for. You have been more than a friend, you have been a sister to me these past 5 and half years. I don't know what I will do without you around, but I am so proud of you and awed by your courage. This courage is not just the courage to move, or flip your life on its head, it's the courage to live as boldly as you do. I am going to miss you everyday and probably drive up your phone bill even though you hate talking on the phone. :)

At night, when you look up at the sky,
since I shall be living on a star,
and since I shall be laughing on a star,
for you it will be as if all the stars are laughing.
You alone will have stars that can laugh!
And when you have got over your loss
(for we always do),
you’ll be happy to have known me.
You will always be my friend.
You will want to laugh with me.
The Little Prince